oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
