So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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