Umm I'm too high to move.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
