fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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