My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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