The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
