remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
