paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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