You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
