So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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