I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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