is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
