Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
