You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
