nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
