i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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