sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants