does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
