for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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