forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
