yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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