A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
