OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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