and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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