I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
A bitchslap is in order.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
