I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
