look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
