all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
