tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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