when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
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I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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