Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
