Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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