Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
time to smoke my breakfast
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
