Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
