A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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