Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize