Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
