one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I intend to get homeless drunk
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
