i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
