Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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