Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
