I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
