I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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