Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Randomize
