shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
