can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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