i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
