I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
