yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
