Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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