You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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