DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.