i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?