worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
