Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
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I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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