I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
