Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
