I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
